I had known for a long time that this phone call was going to happen. Sadly, it was never a matter of "if" only a matter of "when".
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When I stop putting the thing in front of me that repeatedly tells me that I should or could be doing more, I "magically" stopped thinking those things. Like..they literally just dropped off the fucking radar. Suddenly, what I was doing was enough and…AND…I WAS FUCKING CONTENT WITH THAT!!
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Well, I meant for this to be a short blip about how lovely the wind blowing my skirt around felt while putting naked pictures of myself up around town. But it was probably more about human connection and the things I do to try to create space for more of that
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This is my goddamned blog and my shit emotional process. If I sensor myself in these environments, I'm in deep trouble. If I'm not allowed as many fucking F-bombs as I need, you can bet your sweet ass that I'm holding back other shit as well.
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No assault details are in this post. Some mention of types of abuse.
He couldn’t set me free. I had to do that. I had to set us both free. After several tries, I had to cut cords and say "no", no. matter. what. He still cant set me free and I still have to keep that door closed. And you know what, the fucking truth is that I've considered reopening that door a time or two. (“NOOOOOOOOOO!!!” you all scream) Ya..well…I'm being fucking honest.
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I'm in the thickest of fogs, not quite sure when I entered and at this exact moment, collecting myself after losing my shit, totally lost in the middle of it. And yet..I'm still in the middle of it. I think the hard part may be that I have no idea where I am in relation to..ANYTHING! I'm just…sort of…here.
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The only way to be an honest to goodness, legit badass is to be equally as vulnerable and open about it.
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