My Goals are Actually Fucking With Me and Catering to My Fear and Ego
I've been challenging the idea that I need to have goals or that I need to be ambitious about…basically everything. Why? You ask. Well, if I don't have goals that I am constantly and painstakingly working towards, then this big part of me believes that nothing in my life will change and that I will be stuck where I am forever. That the dreams I have and the things that I can feel inside me brewing that want to be birthed, wont get to. But having goals is a way to separate me from my best work. It’s a thing I have yet to achieve instead of already being there.
It is a very real fear that seems to keep me from actually accomplishing much but also keeps me really busy.
Now I'm not going to discredit all the hard work I've done over the years. I mean, among many other things, I made this website all by myself and I hate doing that kind of work. Like…I hate it. Like..a lot. I am literally screaming at my computer constantly during the process. I can't stand it. It tends to be a really inefficient and frustrating process for me. But..I did it. But that’s besides the point. The point is that, I have done some great work and if it weren’t for my drive to get things done, much of it would have never been done.
But there is the easy way to do things and the hard way. From my own personal experience, the easy way is when things just flow. Where they feel right and instead of trying to make anything happen, I end up more facilitaing the thing that’s happening. There is still work involved and persistence and a vision but it really all just seems to fall into place. The gods are shining upon you, everything is aligned and it feels indescribably good.
The hard way seems to be whenever I have some sort of idea about how I think things need to be or how they should happen. Or more importantly, my motive behind the thing that “needs” to be done. If I'm doing it out of fear, then it's being forced. If I'm doing it because I think if I don't my life wont change or no one will hear my music/message, it's being forced. If I do it because it's what everyone else seems to be doing in this day and age to "stay relevant", then it's being forced. If I do it because I don't know what else to do with myself, it's being forced. If I do it because I don't like the feelings I'm having ("positive" or "negative") and am too uncomfortable to sit with them, it's being forced. If I'm doing it because I hate whenever someone asks me if I have any shows coming up and I have to say no, but I have a whole laundry list of things I can tell them that I am doing, it's being forced. I could go on but I'm pretty sure you get the point.
While living and traveling in an RV for a couple years was good for me, it was not aligned with my highest values. It was definitely a thing that I forced, because I thought it was the “answer” to some of my problems.
So, I've really been sitting with all these feelings essentially of unworthiness that I have never really looked at. The feelings that keep me busy avoiding them. That has been quite challenging at times because I can get really restless. I just want to do a thing, anything, just let me do something and I will feel as though I have value. Lucky for me, I have created a life with very minimal distractions in some respect. I don't have a house to maintain (mostly), no garden, no dog, I have very little stuff or space for it so I don’t want to buy stuff or make stuff to fill the space. I'm quite introverted so social time isn't high on my list of priorities. If I'm not traveling in another city, town, country, I don't have much desire to go out. I have very few obligations at all so I can devote my time to my art. But what happens?? I get weird and feel restless and want to fix it. However, when I'm feeling that way, I don't want to put that energy into my art/music. Honestly more and more when I feel that way, I don’t want to put that energy into anything. It feels sort of wrong. I really don't want to do anything simply because I don't know what else to do with myself and am trying to "fix" my feeling of unrest. The exception here being meditation.
Consider it this way, going into anything is a relationship of some sort. Whether it's a job, a hobby, a relationship, an addiction. It may simply be an aspect of the relationship you have with yourself but it’s still a relationship. So what if you were in a relationship (intimate, friendship, professional, etc) with someone who only showed up when they didn't know what to do with themselves? That would feel pretty fucking crappy. You could take it personally and then it would feel worse. So why would I want to show up to any of the relationships with myself that way? Cos really all its doing is perpetuating this feeling in me that I only do things because I don’t know what else to do with myself. Not because I facilitate a genuine feeling of joy and fulfillment from it for myself and others. The relationship with myself that exists because I want to avoid my feelings is not a relationship I want to keep showing up for.
So, I've been doing A LOT of meditation lately. That comes in many forms such as specifically sitting to meditate, going for a walk, zoning out instead of picking up my phone, writing, dancing, etc. I've also not been forcing myself to do anything at all. In fact I've had to sort of "force" myself to not do things. The real word here is allow myself not to do things. For so long, I've come home from my day job, grabbed a quick snack and some tea and got back to work on my own business. No time for anything else, including feelings. Don't get me wrong, sometimes that has been an absolute joy to do and has been a beautiful flow. Other times it has been forced out of a fear. So now, I've been coming home and meditating for a second time during the day (the first being soon after I wake up), before I handle much else or get distracted by room mates. After that it's easier to be in touch with the truest thing for me to do next. Sometimes that’s sitting more, sometimes it’s talking to room mates, sometimes it’s going for a walk, sometimes doing some work. Whatever is in my highest alignment, that’s what I do.
Hoo boy does that challenge my ego sometimes! Cos some of you are paying me monthly to be "doing things", at least that’s how I think of it. So what will you think if the most authentic, highest energetic thing for me to do is to sit and bs with my room mates for a couple hours instead of working on marketing or practicing or writing new songs??! Ahhhhh!!
So I get to let that shit go to AND I get to let myself sit with that feeling. Instead of blowing it all off and going to the thrift store, I just sit with it and let my ego freak out, knowing that I am actually okay and fully honoring myself and where I'm at. That's actually pretty damn cool I think.
I've noticed some things within me around this:
I have been really irritable at times, doing what I can to pin all these feels on the actions of others or the shit going on around me.
I've been more content at times, knowing that I'm really okay and that I'm a beautiful human being with a lot to offer and this is where I'm at right now.
I've been "doing" less and allowing more.
Ultimately, the allowing place is where I want to be. Oh shit…is that a goal?? So instead of mentally separating myself from the beauty that’s already inside me, how about if I'm already there? And if I don’t think I’m there, I can be simply by recognizing where I am in this moment and allowing that to be instead of trying to make it different. Boom, just got back there without having to make a whole schedule and time frames for my goals to allow myself to unfold.
Here I am, standing in Bellingham Bay after walking barefoot through town for many miles on the Autumn Equinox. This day flowed so beautifully. There is no way I could have created such perfection, I only facilitated it. I even got some lovely song lyrics out of it.
On the topic of remaining totally present and in absolute awe and wonder of the world without trying to "fix" or escape any of it, I want to share a moment that I had a few years ago with my mother.
We took a little vacation to our favorite little motel on the Oregon Coast. In February. The ocean is a sacred place for me. It heals me in an instant. It brings me right into the moment no matter how much I try to look away. It connects me with all that is. It is the great equalizer of my entire being. Pretty sure my mom feels the same way. You can read about a moment I had with the ocean facilitating my grief, here.
My mother and I had zero plans for our trip except to get fudge from our favorite fudge place (that is sadly no more) and be within sight, earshot and smelling range of the ocean as much as possible. We're talking ocean front property here. Other than the huge retaining wall and a patch of grass, there is no boardwalk, road, etc between the motel and the beach.
One afternoon, we had our fudge, any food we might want for the day and the ocean. It was February so it was a bit stormy the entire time we were there with high tides coming all the way in to the wall, which I had never seen before, until this day. We would joke in the mornings to each other saying, "I think I'm gonna eat some fudge for breakfast and stare at the ocean". This afternoon, we noticed that high tide was approaching as we ate our fudge. I had never been in a place where I could witness such a raging tide coming in so closely without being outside and quickly tiring of the elements. But here, in our little room, we were right on top of it! The waves crashed and swirled around, throwing giant hunks of driftwood about without any indication of struggle. It was simply amazing to witness. We got completely sucked in! A couple times near the beginning I think each of us half-heartedly mentioned some other thing we might do but it meant nothing. This tide meant everything. My mom and I sat for over two hours with rapt attention, watching this wild tide slowly approach us. It felt like watching a great movie and even though you knew how it was going to end, they told the story so well, you just had to stay and see how it turned out. And let me tell you, it was hands down one of the most amazing things I’ve ever witnessed/been present for in my entire life.
I got up to make some tea and saw the moment in this picture. Every time I see this picture, my eyes well up a little, my heart feels full, I am immediately taken to a calm, loving place that shares a memory of a beautiful moment while also reminding me of how beautiful this moment is as well.
So this allowing instead of forcing thing is a work in progress, always. I'll never get it perfect. There will always be more to uncover and allow and that’s amazing! I know that anything that’s happened in my life that I allowed to just unfold and be present with it, was the best shit ever and anything I tried to make happen, may have felt good in some respect but didn't quite hit the mark or was detrimental to my health. There’s another part here, a major one actually. My health. I have worked/forced myself out of my health significantly a few times in my life so I now tend to use my physical health as an indicator for my general mental and emotional health because sometimes my body screams louder than my head can ignore. When my body is feeling way out of wack, I look at where my emotions are and my ego and what I'm holding on to that perhaps is trying to die so I can let go and free up some energy for other things.
Being in the allowing space is a truly limitless place to exist. Sometimes it's a little scary because it requires being so utterly open and vulnerable, one could perceive many potential threats there. But really, when you're there, the vulnerability is the thing that allows everything to flow.